Most people listen to respond, not to understand the other person. It's simply saying "Hey, I see this thing this way, and just because we each see it differently doesn't mean we can't respect each other's experience of it."ħ. It's okay to express where you two differ, this doesn't mean you are trying to prove you're right or convince your partner to take your side. Taking accountability for your role will help defuse tension.ĥ. Take accountability for your part, no matter how big or small that part is. This helps you gain more clarity of your partners point of view while at the same time allowing them to feel heard and understood by you, which will help them calm down.Ĥ. If the frontal lobe is offline, then the conversation will not be a productive one.ģ. Take a breath to calm down the nervous system ( see my previous post on Flooding). Find something you can agree with within the context of the conversation and talk about that.Ģ. Once you are aware of its presence, you can actively make intentional choices to work around it and kick it out of the conversation. So, recognizing that defensive listening has entered the conversation is the first thing you can do to break the cycle, create distance from it, and reclaim the conversation. It's important to understand that defensiveness is counter-productive to listening. So, how do you manage defensive listening when it intrudes into your conversation? We are not taking the time to understand them, we are just feeling attacked and we react by defending ourselves at the expense of our partner. When we are listening for these things, and reacting emotionally to them, we are not hearing our partner we are not hearing our partners perspective or even hearing their pain. If you catch yourself (or your partner) doing any of these three, then defensive listening is taking place. You are listening for what you do not agree with. Harriet Lerner, there are 3 signs that indicate defensive listening is taking place.ģ. So how do you know if you or your partner are using defensive listening?Īccording to psychologist Dr. Things have a tendency to escalate rather quickly in these moments. ![]() In this type of emotional state our responses are typically angry, and anger is often met with more anger. ![]() You're hearing what your partner is saying through a defensive filter, and everything that comes through that filter is distorted into a criticism. You are listening to your partner defensively. ![]() If you can learn to recognize it in yourself, and in your partner, you can choose to respond differently and help keep the conversation from spiraling into an unnecessary fight.ĭefensive listening is exactly as it sounds. It even occurs in normal, non-emotionally charged, conversations. Since being defensive is a natural response, it's sometimes hard to recognize when it's occurring. Being defensive is normal, it's universal, it's natural, and it's an innate. Most people engage in defensive listening several times a day.
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